Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Caverns Of Furry Donkeys!*

Seriously, what the fuck is it with people searching for "Hairy Assholes Women" and getting to my blog!? I would like to make it incredibly clear, there are no women here with hairy assholes! There aren't even any women here without hairy assholes. There are NO women. And NO hairy assholes. This is officially a female hairy asshole free zone. Zero holes of asses present. We are not female. And whilst we may posses hair, and it may be on our ass, it is not a female ass. The buttocks are not creamy and do not look good in lyrca.

Please desist! Stop! Enough already!

Although I would like to say hello to the person that arrived with the search term "wet hairy knickers" and then stayed to look at the Weller and Gallagher labels. I hope you enjoyed the photos.

Talking of labels, it's surprising how many of the searchers of "wetting knickers blog" then click on the Arsefuckery label. I'd say a good 7 out of 10 of them.

*see what I did there? See? Get it!?

Monday, May 25, 2009

It's Not Called Soccer Dammit!

Time for boys talk.

This year was a sad one for my football club, Southampton. And I'm going to explain why, with a whole bunch of other narrative thrown in...

Up until the age of about 14 I liked Liverpool, but that was more to do with the fact that they were the successful team of the time. I didn't in fact live anywhere near Liverpool, probably quite like a lot of their current supporters. Anyway, I wanted to have a proper bond with my team, something that would allow me to become more emotionally involved with the sport that is important to any young lad growing up. It needed to be a special link, something that would give me that "I belong" feeling. Normally you support the team that's local to where you grew up, but as I'd moved around a lot whilst getting to the heady heights of 14, I didn't have that roots connection. So I looked even further back than just growing up, I looked to where I was born. I was in fact born in the Channel Islands. Unfortunately there isn't a Jersey United playing in the Premiership, but there were 2 players in different clubs that were born there. 1 of them happened to be a very gifted player, constantly making back page headlines for scoring incredible goals. However, he was playing for a mediocre team (at best) and they were always fighting against being relegated from the top tier of English football. But part of supporting a team is doing it through the good times and the bad. That's the emotional connection, it's the low parts that make the high ones taste even better. So my new found bond between me, Matt Le Tisser and Southampton Football Club came into being, and I've loved supporting them for the last 17 years.

Le Tissier was a brilliant player, and probably kept us in the Premiership several seasons running by scoring important goals at crucial times, and most of them were spectacular. He was also pretty lardy, couldn't run for toffee and had a beak you could undo cans with. But nobody cared, because he scored goals. Obviously a player that makes headline news like this is going to attract interest from much bigger clubs, and I remember reading about Chelsea bidding £7m for him and thinking crap, he's gone for that sort of money. Southampton are a small club, and 15 years ago that was a significant amount of cash. But he turned it down, deciding to stay with the club he signed for as an 18 year old. Displaying such a level of loyalty, when having a cash carrot of that size dangling in front of you and in times when all footballers are obviously just only worried about money, Le Tissier was elevated to deity status in Southampton. Banners at matches displayed simply "Le God". He remained at the club until his eventual retirement in 2002.

Here are some of his goals...



After he retired we battled on, but eventually lost the fight with relegation a couple of seasons ago. I had hoped for an immediate return to the Premiership, but it wasn't to be. Instead, all of the Southampton supporters found themselves in familiar territory, staving off relegation. It came down to the last match of the season, we had to get a result against Sheffield United in the Championship. They were playing to get back into the Premiership, so we were at very different ends of the table. Matt Le Tissier was working with Sky Sports, commentating on the match...here's the story of how it unfolded...




It's obvious from the video that his loyalty and his passion for the club hasn't dwindled. Watching those 2 videos warmed my heart, but saddened me because of this seasons news. A woeful season, a lack of desire from a lot of players, bad management, a half empty stadium, many things have combined to contribute to Southampton being relegated once again. The 2009-10 season will be spent playing in Division 1. I only hope we manage to rise to the challenge and get promoted. I wouldn't mind seeing a few more players like Le Tissier, players that want to do well for the club because it's a place they want to be. Players that aren't shallow, money obsessed, diving, cheating, cock sucking parasites that bleed supporters dry just because they have to pay for their girlfriends coffee enema, a completely chrome car and a 65 year old prostitute. I didn't really mind that we weren't a successful club, because I loved the emotions at the end of the season, the "will we, won't we" see-saw of if we were staying up or not. I'd like the won't bit to stop for a while and be replaced with when we win Division 1 and go back to those happy emotions displayed so accurately by Matt Le God.

Friday, May 22, 2009

God And Dog Poo

Watch it all...the end is kinda relevant...



Right, so...talented? Definitely, without doubt. Just a little scary? Erm...yeah. And she's hearing voices in her head...which doesn't sound to me like someone who is quite all there. I mean, if I had a 9 year old that came up to me one day and said "Hey, I've just been having a chat with my mate God and he's been saying I should write some stuff down for everyone to read" I would probably be a little concerned. If, however, she came out and said her friend ----- had made her do it, but nobody else can see him, and he lives in her cupboard, then I'm more likely to believe her. Right?

And as we know, all imaginary friends are real. Take these as proof.

Only the first 4 mins of the first one, but all the second one. Believe me, they're worth watching. Bit to look out for...when the little girl says "Sugar?", too funny!



Oh man...cobwebs...!



British humour, brilliant.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Seriously, Just Read This!

Now THIS is very very very cool. Maybe I'm being geeky, but I seriously love stuff like this. Makes me glad to be alive in a time when we're still able to make discoveries like this, I find it quite exciting. Imagine if we already knew all the answers to everything, how boring would that be? Very boring, that's how much.

I think it's one of humanity's greatest gifts, the desire for more knowledge, the need to be more than what we are right now. There's so much we don't know, not just about the big things like how the universe began or the origins of life on this planet or even the meaning of life (if there is indeed a meaning to it all), but the little things. Like, what is Marmite or why does there have to be such a thing as a "Bad Hair Day" and is The Matrix actually real (c'mon, it could be!)? Seriously, scientists need to get onto those.

So anyway, when this arrives in London, I'm definitely off to see it. Along with probably a billion other people. Wow, that'll be fun! Wonder if you'll be allowed to take photos of it? If not, I'll have to go all covert and try and get a sneaky one with my phone.

Whilst typing this I've been listening to some tunes and Oasis came on, playing Wonderwall on Jools Holland back in 2000*. It's not generally one of my favorite Oasis songs, it's obviously a very good song, but I think I've heard it too many times. However, this effort is pretty good and I thought I'd share it. Lyrics below.



Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
By now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me



*(I remember being a lot younger and thinking, "Man, I'm going to be so old when I say I remember back in 2000"...that memory is really depressing!)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Entertain Me Crap Stick!

I had a whole list of stuff that I wanted to say, but as usual when it came to sitting in front of my laptop my brain undid the top of my head, packed its suitcase and fucked off, leaving me with the usual sawdust rattling around in the vast chasm that is my bonce.

Then I had a brainwave, only without the brain. I guess that makes it a wave? Not that I sat here and just waved, because that would be fairly stupid. The sort of thing that someone with a head full of sawdust would do...bugger. Anyway, my little idea...seeking some inspiration, I turned to YouTube. I know, I thought, I'll type in something and see what comes top of the list and decide if it's blog worthy. But what to type in?? Shit, another stumbling block...all I needed was some fucking inspiration! So, I typed that in. Fucking Inspiration. And I came up with this.

This is part 1 of 2...I'm only posting the first part, but if you feel so inclined to watch the 2nd half you can see it HERE.



If you do watch the 2nd part, please paraphrase it for me.

If you've managed to watch the whole clip you'll be fully aware that it is over 6 minutes long. I fully apologise for the fact that you will not get those 6 minutes back, and that I am responsible for your loss.

Couple of things I noticed from this video. First, as far as I can tell he's trying to say that we have brains, and they learn. Knowledge is acquired, passed from person to person, and built on each time. But that we also don't need other human beings to survive, although I'm not too sure how that works. Bit of a contradiction if you ask me. And second, is this how Chewbacca would look if he shaved his face? Oh, there's a third too...is he stoned? Those sorts of random conversations about utter bollocks seem fairly familiar.

Right, now that I've wasted 6 minutes of your life, I'll repay you with 3 and a half minutes of fantasticness. And that's a real word I'll have you know. Taken in 2004 in a music store (HMV) in London...That's Entertainment, originally by The Jam. Lyrics below kiddies.



A police car and a screaming siren
Pneumatic drill and ripped up concrete
A baby wailing, a stray dog howling
The screech of brakes and lamplights blinking

That’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

A smash of glass and the rumble of boots
An electric train and a ripped up phone booth
Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tom cat
Lights going out and a kick in the balls

I say that’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

Days of speed and slow time Mondays
Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday
Watching the news and not eating your tea
A freezing cold flat and damp on the walls

I say that’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

Waking up at 6 a.m. on a cool warm morning
Opening the windows and breathing in petrol
An amateur band rehearse in a nearby yard
Watching the telly and thinking 'bout your holidays

That’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

Waking up from bad dreams and smoking cigarettes
Cuddling a warm girl and smelling stale perfume
A hot summers day and sticky black tarmac
Feeding ducks in the park and wishing you were far away

That’s entertainment, that’s entertainment

Two lovers kissing amongst the scream of midnight
Two lovers missing the tranquillity of solitude
Getting a cab and travelling on buses
Reading the graffiti about slashed seat affairs

I say that’s entertainment, that’s entertainment


Also....Song Of The Week...Pete Molinari with It Came Out Of The Wilderness, released last year on the Damaged Good record label. I suggest you give it a listen. Just a suggestion mind.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Vice Rag / AA Bondy @ The Colony Club

If you've got a spare 3 minutes, and can lift the volume up a bit (the recording level isn't great) then this is definitely worth a listen. I've put the lyrics underneath for those of you that search for them...and I know some of you do...



Sweet, sweet cocaine
Won't you be all mine
Heart'll pound, my hands will shake
I'm doin' mighty fine

Sweet, sweet heroin
Won't you be all mine
I don't wanna feel a thing
Want nothin' on my mind

Sweet, sweet whiskey
Won't you be all mine
If you were to fill the ocean
I would drink it dry

Sweet, sweet devil
Won't you be all mine
Set this tired land aflame
It ain't worth a dime

Sweet, sweet Jesus
Won't you be all mine
If you take my sinner's hand
We'll walk down the line


I particularly like the facial movements when he's humming, how the camera operator knows exactly when to film his foot, and the excellent audience participation. Live music, don'tcha just love it?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

How Does It Feel?

I would like to draw your attention to this.



Well? How does it feel?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Passing Of Information

Brief post for a change. I seem to be writing a little more often, but I'm not going to think about it otherwise I might lose the urge to put down completely and utterly useless shite on the net. Anyway, starting to waffle (busy waiting for the carpet guy to arrive...groan)...

Check out THIS blog. It's also a new addition to the sidebar. Funny, articulate, and yet another good place to drop by. You have been told.

New Song Of The Week is Memphis Tennessee by a seriously cool cat, Chuck Berry himself. Be sure to watch the video as well as listen to the song, groooovy.

Talking of cool sounds, I can officially reveal the coolest sound of all. It is in fact the sound of a lightsaber. Disagreeing only means you get laughed at. Zwoooshhfizzzhummmm....or something akin to that!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Lost For 'Em, You Know, Them Things...

Words are everywhere. Our ability to communicate is what, apparently, separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

They effectively dictate our lives. Words tell us what to do, they give us information on everything, they educate and confuse us, entertain and disappoint us. There are words for everything. They tell us about wars and tragedy, teach us about history, give us hope for the future, convey our thoughts and emotions.

Pretty amazing really when you think about it. After all, they're just a bunch of squiggly lines.

But for all their uses and the marvellous adaptability of the English language, sometimes they just don't cut it. Somehow they fall short, no matter how creative or eloquent you are.

Today I fell short. I've read a lot of books, seen a vast and eclectic array of films, and have quite an active and freakish imagination. None of these sources of words or the tiny grey cells in my bonce could provide me with what I wanted to say. I could only utter 2 words. Thank You.

I've written about the importance of those 2 words before, but never have they seemed so inadequate.

Someone needs to fix this. New words need to be created. Pronto!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

All Mod Cons Goes Technical

I really really love gadgets, even though I've got a serious knack for breaking anything that runs on batteries or electricity. I've got quite a history of breaking phones, computers definitely aren't my thing, and at some point or another every personal music player I've had has been dropped in paint. But that doesn't stop me ogling at the newest shiny object to hit the stores.

Just before my mobile contract ran out, a little over 4 months ago, I started doing a little research as to what handsets were available to me on O2 (my network provider). I've got a few absolute essentials that I require from a phone. Obviously it has to be able to make phone calls, send text messages, have a decent camera (because I don't have a proper one), have WiFi and be Quadband (otherwise I can't use it in other countries). Other than that, I'm pretty flexible. Oh, and because of my job, touch screen phones have generally been a bad idea. If I'm covered in paint, as often happens, then I don't want to have to touch a screen to pick up or make a call. So, buttons are good. Also means I can text seriously fast and don't have to look at what I'm typing.

Anyway, the only handset that I wanted wasn't available on my network and I didn't want to sign up for a stupidly long 18 month contract only to have a phone that I didn't really want. Good news was that O2 offer this thing called a Simplicity Tariff which is a month by month contract that I can cancel at any time, but if I want to get a handset that they offer then I can have it and retain all my loyalty bonuses (O2, if you read this, please not that I am currently bigging you up, which means you have to be EVEN NICER TO ME!!). So I've been waiting and waiting for something new to turn up. I refuse to get sucked into buying an iPhone, the camera is arse, doesn't offer video capture, can't send multimedia messages to another phone (unless you download some jiggery software) and doesn't have an integrated flash. Although, it does have a seriously smooth user interface, looks great, and does a whole bunch of other cool stuff that I don't really know about and don't really use.

But on the horizon, supposedly for the 1H2009, is Nokia's new flagship phone. The N97. Whilst having a touch screen, it also has a full QWERTY keyboard (so buttons a plenty!). It packs a serious amount of memory, has a 5mp camera (the same as my N95), WiFi, it's Quadband, oh and makes calls and sends texts. I also really like the Symbian software that Nokia uses (although it's not as swish as the iPhones). And really, the phone looks great. I am a little worried about its size, might be a little chunkier than I'd ideally like, but for such a top notch handset I'm willing to let it slide.

But all this waiting around is causing a few problems. I've had my N95 for a couple of years and the battery life wasn't great to start with. Now, it's bloody hopeless. I have to charge it twice a day, and I don't spend all day on it. It's also getting slower and slower and is looking seriously shabby. Not that that matters. Well, maybe a little. I'm also having "Gadget Buying" withdrawals. In a big BIG way. I mean, I haven't purchased myself anything lovely and shiny for...err...well, since I had to get myself a new laptop over a year ago. My iPod is also taking a bit of a battering. The battery life on that used to be magnificent but, probably because it gets used all day everyday, it's now down to about 8 hours which means I have to take a charger to work. Seriously, can't work without tunes! And as with all Apple products, you can't just pop it open and change the battery. No, you have to take it to the Apple store where they send it off to have a new one put in, which costs an absolute FORTUNE. Way more than it's worth. In fact, more than my current iPod is worth. So, at some point in the future I'm going to have to buy a new iPod. Which is a bad thing, because I've been hypnotised by the 32gb iPod Touch. Not only is it shiny, very shiny in fact, but it's got slightly more memory than my current iPod. The battery life is waaaaaaaaaaaay longer than anything else I've seen, it has the same swish software on it, you can connect to the net via WiFi and about a million other things because of all the applications that have been developed for it. In fact, the only things it can't do are take photos and call people. Which is what my phone is for.



So, I figured that if I get an iPod touch, I can dispense with the waiting for the N97 and choose a different handset. Because I'll then have a phone with a decent camera and an iPod that connects me to the web.

And seriously, much as I don't really like the whole copyright issues with Apple when you download a song, they've really got it right when it comes to style and speed. Just looking at the photo of the Touch, hell it's sexy! All smooth and yummy...although there is the issue of the price tag. Work isn't great at the moment and I can't afford to be throwing away £300. At least the phone, whatever choice I make, will be "free" from O2. Yeah yeah, I know I end up paying for it with my line rental, as does everyone, but that does effectively mean that I'm only paying for it bit by bit each month and not all up front like I would with the Touch. Credit Cards are so not an option, in the slightest.

I don't expect anyone to actually comment on this post, it's more about me going through the choices in my head. Wishful thinking in fact.

Anyone got a Touch? What do you think of it?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Fluffy Bunnies In Swimsuits Under The Silvery Moon

You ever get those days when you feel you would have actually been more productive just staying in bed? Yeah, had one of those today. But I'm not going to whinge about it, for a change.

I actually just felt like writing something. No idea what. Even now. As always I'm just letting the fingers move and seeing what happens.

For those of you that have been reading for quite a while, you'll be fully aware of whom Terence is. Terence is my cactus. I got him as part of a list of things I wanted to do before I was 30, he was "Get a plant and keep it alive until my 30th birthday". I figured it would be beneficial to get something very low maintenance. A cactus fits that bill. Well, some time later (going to keep that ambiguous) he's still alive. Even though I managed to shut him in a window and crushed him. He's been on cactus steroids on and off since the accident and is now flourishing. He's even sprouting growths from his appendages.


On one of my old blogs I wrote about going to see Paul Weller in Berlin. The post included stuff about the gig (obviously) but also a lot of other bits and pieces. Since then I've managed to acquire a recording of the gig itself, which I've listened to over and over again for many reasons. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I don't think that the original post did that gig any justice whatsoever. So one of my little tasks is to rewrite it and to try and put together a few sentences that might go somewhere close to being able to convey what the gig has come to mean to me. Might even do this the next time.

Talking of music, I picked up some random CD's in one of the local charity shops in the hope that I might discover something new and different. It worked. One of the CD's was by a Russian group called The Types and is called I Am So Good. So far as I know, nobody has heard of them and I happen to quite like it. The tracks, in my humble opinion, cover a range of styles, some of which sound like The Kinks and others are much heavier. Anyway, if you're looking to listen to something new give them a go. If you want a copy, drop me a line and I'll sort it out for you. But shh, don't tell anyone! Alternatively, you can give it a listen on last.fm via the box on my sidebar. It's in there somewhere.

Went and saw Wolverine at the weekend. Wasn't overly impressed. Even though I'm a HUGE fan of all things superhero & comic book, this flick just didn't do it for me. Go see it, just remember I didn't recommend it so it's not my fault if you don't like it. Also saw the latest trailer for the new Transformers movie. Again, wasn't impressed by that either. But how much can trailers really tell you? I mean, the trailers for the fairly recent StarWars films looked fantastic but the actual flicks themselves were staggeringly below par. And the trailer for Marley & Me was a sack of snail poo, but I actually quite enjoyed the film.

Oh, and I have now found 3 grey hairs. On my head. Like, as in growing out of my skull. Well, scalp, I don't think hair actually grows out of your skull. Anyway, not the point. The point is..err..bugger. Yeah, think that sums it up quite nicely. Bugger.

Tunes on the top of the hit list this week include:

Fa-Fa-Fa by Datarock (has been Song Of The Week before, and is a cracker)
Friday Night by The Types
Bad Candy by Twisted Wheel (absolutely shit live, but cracking studio CD)
I Believe To My Soul by The Animals
The Beginning Of The Twist by The Futureheads
How Does It Feel To Feel by The Creation
Barely Legal by The Strokes
A Rock 'n' Roll Fantasty by The Kinks
Bony Maronie by Larry Williams

However, Song Of The Week is Oranges and Rosewater by Paul Weller. The footage is taken from 2007 at the Amsterdam Paradiso. An outstanding tune and one you should definitely have in your music library.