Sunday, August 31, 2008

So Funny I Wet My French Knickers

I've had 3 relatively normal posts in a row now, so I think it's time for a change of pace. And a question or two.

Firstly, the other day I was sent an invite to a Facebook "group". It was something along the lines of the fact that Facebook might be shutting down because of some lawsuit or whatever. In the description was the line "Imagine life without Facebook". FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! It's a fucking website for crying out loud! It's not as if you're going to die if it shuts down! I could go on a rant about this, but I think that's sufficient. Maybe I'll really let rip next time.

Secondly, YouTube is quite literally brilliant. For a great many reasons. But, as are most sites, it's subject to utter shite. However, for the purposes of the "right here and now" it allows me to highlight the following.

This is a scene from Bruce Almighty. Ok, I admit, it's not the finest piece of cinematic history but it does have one of the funniest moments I've ever witnessed. Namely when the character Evan Baxter is trying to read the news. I'll watch this a million times and still find it hilarious.

I also want to highlight a couple of scenes from what is probably my favorite comedy film ever, See No Evil Hear No Evil staring Gene Wilder as a deaf man, and Richard Pryor as a blind man. Arrested under suspicion of murder they're taken into the Police station...these two parts are of Wilder being photographed (remember, he can only read lips...) and of the subsequent interrogation of the 2...

Absolutely priceless.

What are your favorite moments from films? They don't have to be funny, but it helps!

Anyone notice my new Flavicon!? I think it's great.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Words And Pictures

Righty-ho! As per Crashes request, barnet update. I decided against having my locks shorn off, and just went for a bit of a tidy up. Not that the photo below makes me look tidy, but in comparison to when I went into the barbers it's a marked improvement. Trust me.

Tried to get Terence to pose for his birthday photo, but he told me to fuck off because he's got a hangover and that if I tried to take a sneaky photo of him he'd pin me down and beat me over the head with his pot. Don't mess with a cactus, just not worth the hassle.

Also, outside work today was this monster of a car. Bloody marvellous I thought, not that I'm "into" cars that much. The inside was a shit hole too, so I think they got the realism down pretty well. In case you can't see the photo below all that clearly, it's a Pennsylvania State Trooper car, with ScumBall on the side. I want one!

Came home today to find a little package waiting for me. Inside, courtesy of the Viking, were these Promo Only vinyl & CD copies of Paul Wellers new single. Bloody freaking marvellous!!! Yet another Promo Only vinyl!!! Check ME OUT! I tells ya, the lad knows how to get on my good side. Woohoo for Presents!

Also this week...I walked into a door yesterday. More specifically, the cupboard door. And not just a little bump either, but a full on full blooded wallop. Injuries sustained include a bruised left breasticle, bruised left wrist, knee cap and ankle. Do I feel like a twat? Most definitely.

Went into the grocers today to buy an apple (feeling a little ill, so thought I'd avoid the usual crisp & chocolate mid morning snack for something a little healthier). I only had 35p on me, and hadn't purchased fruit in quite some time, so I asked the guy behind the counter if I could get an apple for that. "Yes" he replies. So off I trot and pick up an apple, noticing the sign saying 69p per pound. Wow I thought, 35p could get me half a pound of apples (no idea how many that is actually, but it sounds a lot). Over to the counter where said man is standing, hand already palm up, under my nose. I give him the apple..."Would you like it in a bag?" he asks. "No thanks" I reply. He gives me back the apple and continues with his hand outstretched. "Well, how much is it then?"..."35p" he states. "Hold on sunshine, that sign says 69p per pound, and you're trying to tell me that 1 apple happens to be the exact same amount that I came in with? I don't think so". So he takes the apple off me, weighs it, and says "20p" with a stupid grin on his face that I immediately wanted to punch with a punnet of strawberries. Now, I'm not sure if he thought I was thick or something, but I can't believe he thought he'd get away with charging me an extra 75% on 1 apple?! Cheeky fucker.

Just goes to show though, don't just accept the price of an apple! Always question how much your fruit is. Although, I'm not sure that calling the check out person "Sunshine" is always recommended.

(Oh, and I've done a post for Universal...feel free to check it's about cooking!)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Kiss My White Hairy Ass

Yet another unplanned, not properly thought through post from yours truly. And probably with a distinct lack of editing.

This one consists of...erm...some stuff. About chicks. Which is a subject that I've pretty much avoided for my entire blog existence, apart from once. I generally feel that personal relationships are not a topic worthy of discussion on my bit of cyberspace. Mostly because I like to keep it to myself, partly because I've been single for a fair while, and also because some stories I could tell would curl your toes.

Anyway, this isn't really about a relationship that I am or am not in. It's more to do with friendships with the "fairer" sex. It's an area that holds a little confusion for me of late. Generally speaking, I have always got on with chicks better than guys. Just one of those things I think. I'm able to spend time in the company of a girl and have a good time, without being attracted to them. Even when I used to drink, I rarely suffered from Beer Goggles. But recently I've been having "issues" with people that I thought were happy being "mates", but have decided that they would like things to progress further.

As far as I know, I've never given them reason to believe that I'm interested in anything else other than friendship. And I'm pretty sure that, in a couple of situations, I've even said so. Clear as day. This is where the whole thing starts to fall apart. It's like they then up and vanish. As if to say "Well, you don't want to be my boyfriend so I'm not going to speak to you anymore". Which, as far as I'm concerned, is a complete waste of a friendship.

I've also encountered a spate of people wanting "no strings fun". Which is fine, when I was 20! I'm REALLY not interested in that anymore. I did it to death when I was younger and, to be honest, didn't like the person that I was becoming. Nice people get hurt, and it's unfair. Considering where I live, it would be fairly easy for anyone to go out in the evening and pick up someone and get laid. And that's really not my bag, cheers all the same.

ALSO...a friend of mine (female) was in a relationship with a fairly large Dick Head of a guy. To any passer by he was a serious catch. Multi-millionaire, good looks, great apartment in the City, absolute charmer. But then all the nasty stuff came out. He treated her like a babysitter, cheated on her with his secretary (oh how cliche), snorted copious amounts of coke (something that really riles me), verbally abused her in front of his "chums" and generally took advantage. After breaking her heart whilst they were on holiday, she came back in a pretty bad state. Shortly after this she found out that he'd given her a dose of the...err...sexual wotsit. You know, short round of applause*. Now, like any good friend, I was there for her to moan to. Even though I didn't really need to hear all the gorey details, I listened. If she asked for advice, I'd give it. If not, I just took in what she was saying.

Now she's feeling much better, which is good. Only, she's kind of started acting really weird towards me. Not in a "I fancy you" type way, but in a...well...I can't really explain it. It's like she's only calling so that she can pass the time on her way to work and because she seems to like the sound of her own voice. And it's really starting to get on my tits. It's almost like I've served my purpose for now and she's only keeping in touch "just in case". As far as I'm concerned, mates is mates. No matter what's happening in your life. You don't keep someone sweet so that you've got a back up if your life takes a wrong turn. That's just using someone, which blows. I'm almost at the point where I feel like saying take a hike. But I won't. Because that's not me. Well, not unless you REALLY piss me off.

AND! Chicks that you're mates with, that then get a boyfriend, and all of a sudden fuck off somewhere. It's like "Hey, I wasn't interested in you in the first place. Now you have a boyfriend, I'm STILL not interested in you!" But why just fuck off?!!? I could understand if there was something going on before hand. Like, if we'd been "intimate" or more, and things didn't work out. Yeah, then I could understand it. But not when NOTHING has happened between the two of you.

Shit, if I ever meet someone and I turned my back on all the female friends I have, then I'd be left with about 4 mates. Ok, slight hyperbole there, but you get the point.

Anyway, I'm not sure that any of that made any sense. But it did to me, in my head. As I was typing it. So that's all that matters I guess.

Other stuff this week...time is getting nearer to the next Weller gig of the year. And I'm getting VERY excited! It's on the 10th of October, in Dublin, with my mate Ted! It's even worthy of a countdown thingy at the side of my blog...which should appear when I can be arsed to find a free one.

Also, tomorrow is Terence's 2nd birthday! Still alive, and being pumped full of steroids (Cactus Feed), and sitting on my window enjoying the view of other people's back gardens. Pointless buying him a balloon, he'll only pop it (sigh, poor joke).

Does anyone actually take any notice of the "Song Of The Week"? This weeks one is Oasis' new song...and I happen to think it's quite good. Give it a listen. I'm also having issues with this whole "burning a CD" shit. Fucking hell, when did technology become so hard to use!? I'll have to ask my 15 year old cousin to help me out. I feel like my old dear when she used to ask me to set the video recorder.

Oh, and I've been asked to do a "Guest Post" for Universal this week. Which I am honoured by. Should be up by Thursday. She's having a wee rest and has asked some very talented bloggers to fill in for a bit. Not sure why I'm on the list, but I've got a post all lined up. Please drop by there and read the other posts!

Another "Oh"...the last post. "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman" was a line from See No Evil Hear No Evil. The contents of my pocket is safe. Result!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Woman

For the first time ever I'm making a compilation CD. In fact, I've never made a compilation anything for someone else. Many moons ago I had various tapes (oooh...I LOVE the fact that I'm old enough to remember tapes!) that I made for myself. It was never an issue for me what I was putting on there, because I could just make more and more tapes. But I'm making a CD for someone else is a whole different ball game. I find myself reminded of High Fidelity by Nick Hornby (if you haven't read it, do so immediately). It really is quite a personal thing, and I find myself putting way more thought into doing this CD than I ever have for any of my blog posts.

With writing I kind of just splodge it out and hope that at the end it makes some sort of sense. Hopefully, within any given post, there will be a little bit of humour, or sarcasm, maybe even a point or two and if I'm lucky only the odd spelling mistake. But with music, takes planning. You can't just be slapdash about it. Throwing a bunch of tunes down just isn't an option. It needs to be punchy, but subtle, and it has to flow. You can't have a really high tempo foot stomping tune and then whip the carpet out from under the listeners feet by putting in a softly softly effort. And like any very good book, it's got to start with a hook. Something that's going to really capture your intended listener, saying to them "This is just a sign of things to come". Well, I've got the hook done. Kind of. Ok, it's a choice of 2. No,'s 3. Arse.

There's also the fact that the damn CD doesn't hold enough songs. I thought I'd start by selecting an array of tunes that were "essentials", putting them on the CD and finding out how much space I had left for the "essentials, but not essential essentials". Well, I didn't even manage to get the Essentials on there. So now I find myself leaving out songs before I can even begin to think about what sort of order to put them in.

I should really set myself a time frame in order to get it completed, otherwise I'm still going to be faffing around like a fairy come Christmas.

(Oh, and WITHOUT using Google, or any other such internet type searchy thingy, I will give the contents of my left coat pocket to the first person that can tell me what the post title is).

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Boo-Ya Massive!

This could just be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Please view all of only gets better and better...volume UP kids, it's worth it.

I laughed so hard, there might have even been a little bit of wee.

Ok, maybe not THAT hard, but close enough.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Bullets In A Gun

  • Potentially a major family crisis on the horizon, nowt I can actually do about it which makes it even more frustrating.
  • Party 2 doors down on Friday night, so loud I managed to drop off about 2am to the sound of base rippling through the street.
  • 2.20am the same night, my arsebandit of a housemate lets in a drunken girl (the girlfriend of 1 of the guys from 2 doors down) and she comes into my room, wakes me up, telling me that I have to be nice to her because she's a guest in my house & room and that I should go to the party.
  • 2.23am, said girl gets told to fuck off.
  • No work now for 3 weeks, most of my savings have been spent on bills. All the hard work I've put in over the last 2 years to get myself on a fucking plane to Canada seems to be vanishing before my very eyes.
  • Finally get the go ahead for a job I quoted on, but I'm waiting for the Wee Man to do something of his own in the same house. So the little BASTARD is stopping me working (there's a lot more to this story, but I'm not going into it just right now).
  • Mobile phone company, O2, of whom I have been a faithful customer for some years now are arsing me around quite substantially. Subsequently my phone bill is around £80 a month when it shouldn't really be any higher than £40. Looooooong call to Customer Services...they're calling back on Monday with, hopefully, good news.
  • It is raining. And has been either grey or raining for several days. What the FUCK happened to summer? Why is this country only subjected to 2 weeks of sun in the middle of the year? I'm moving to the desert, fuck it.
  • Next post to possibly include a new painting I'm working on, and details of a present from Princess Of The Universe which, unlike the rest of this week, brought a smile to my face.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Scarier Than When Elvis Was Fat

Just sitting on my bed chopping up some music stuff on my laptop when a moth the size of pigeon flies in my window! I jump up and grab the nearest thing to me that I can swing around without breaking, which happened to be my pillow, which I then swung furiously around my head in order to stun said pigeon sized moth. Being so intent on looking like an Olympic fairy, I lost the moth in the shadows of my room. Gingerly I sat down and carried on tapping away on my laptop, whilst hearing every single tiny sound in my room. Then out it pops again, with wings that I can actually HEAR flapping!! Learning from my previous mistake, I took my time with the swinging of the pillow whilst retaining my Olympian Fairy Pose (probably a good 9.4), and I changed from standing on the bed to cowering...I mean, standing in a manly way, by the door. One good swing and the behemoth is sent towards the wall...but with amazing agility the moth recovers mid spin and manages to fly behind the curtain and out the window! Freaking RESULT!

I was almost a gonna there!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Some Film Stuff

Over the last week or so, I've taken in a fair few I'm going to share. Not too much, just in case you haven't seen them...

First up, and one that a lot of people are talking about, The Dark Knight. Obviously the main reason people have been talking about this is Heath Ledger. And I must confess that all this talk of giving him an Oscar for his performance was starting to get on my tits a little. I mean, he plays a cartoon character for crying out loud! How good can he actually BE?!

Well...I'll get the negatives out of the way first. Christian Bale puts in another fine effort as Batman, but as in Batman Begins, he has this really annoying deep voice thing he does when playing said man of batness. In fact, it's even more annoying than the first film. Personally, I don't see any need for it. No matter how "realistic" you try and make a film about a comic book character, everyone is always able to ignore the voice similarities between Hero and alter ego. Look at Superman, he didn't do it. The only difference between him and Clark was a pair of glasses and nobody ever guessed. But that's part of the story!! You just ignore those sorts of things.

The other thing that was a bit shaky was Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel. Generally I thought that her character was a bit rubbish anyway, but she did absolutely nothing for me. And she was a bit fickle to say the least, Harvey Dent one second, Bruce Wayne the next.

Also, what WAS the Scarecrow doing at the beginning of the film?! I thought he'd been locked up in Arkham at the end of Batman Begins? be honest, these were all minor gripes.

But Heath Ledger...not really sure how to explain his performance to be honest. Everything about him was utterly brilliant, B R I L L I A N T! The way he dressed, his mannerisms, the way he spoke, what he said, when he said it, how he said the hook, totally deranged. I would have loved to have seen his casting for this role and seen the faces of those people present. He even managed to make me laugh and shiver at the same time. I've heard many people say that he was better than Jack Nicholson in the original Batman. However, I think that this is a little unfair on Jack. Even though they were the same genre of film, they were quite different in style. The original one was more tongue in cheek and probably a little more "comic book". Therefore so was Jacks Joker. But for this style of film, I don't think anyone is going to touch Ledger. If ever there is a third Batman in this series, I really don't see how they can include the Joker.

If you haven't seen this film yet, go see it. If you don't think it's any good, I'll pay for your popcorn.

Now for a totally different film...something a little less...err....RARRRRR!!! And I'm a little behind with this one, so there's a fair chance that you've seen this already. I rented out Ratatouille last night. I had heard varying reports on this, some good and some not so good. In a nut shell, I thought it was actually pretty good. There were some definite laugh out loud moments. And whilst the animation wasn't quite as good as Monsters Inc. it was slick. Yet again Pixar have managed to pull off another cracking film, in spite of Disney getting their mits on them (which I thought would end Pixars rule in the world of CGI). And with my shiny new laptop, I've even managed to get a couple of screenshots!

Remy's brother, Emile, faced with a shotgun! If all rats looked like this, I don't think we'd ever have a problem with them!

"What are you eating?"..."To be honest, I don't really know"...

Rats in a dishwasher! Oh man, did I ever laugh at this! Think I'll have this picture as my background for a while, it just makes me smile every single time I look at it!

Other movies seen recently include Bloodrayne and some Dragon thingy. Both of them were complete and utter shite. Never see them. Ever. Or I'll set the rats on you.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

That It Be...

Due to a stinkingly shite week, I sought solace in my DVD collection. Something with a touch of humour, that I knew would bring a smile to the face. Browsing the huge, nay vast array of 20 DVD's on offer on my shelves, I went for Blackadder II.

Blackadder is one of my all time favorite shows (hence why it's in my collection, I wouldn't get a DVD of something I thought was arse would I?) and one that I really believe will stand the test of time, as all classics do. British comedy really was utterly outstanding and I wanted to share just one of the many memorable clips...

...this is when Blackadder goes to see the Wise Woman, seeking advice on his feelings towards his "manservant"...(it's the first minute and forty seconds that I love most)

If you don't smile at this, then there's something wrong with you. Or you're German (this is sarcasm based on a stereotype and not intended to offend. I happen to believe that Germans are very funny*).

Two of my other "Top Shows" are Fawlty Towers and Red Dwarf...what are your favorites? They don't have to be British comedies!

Late addition...thought I'd include this scene from the same episode!

(*to look at!)