Thursday, October 9, 2008

Please Ensure Your Seats Are In Their Upright Position

Rant And Swear Modes Activated.

Initiating Finger Coordination Programme 73G93X

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Please note that this post contains strong language from the outset. Some viewers may find this offensive. This is what is called a *Warning*. If you carry on reading, and don't like it, don't fucking moan about it you moron! That's what warnings are for, to let you know about stuff coming up.

If I go to an Internet Cafe to use a computer and print some things off, I do not expect to be confronted by someone behind the counter that has failed to master the standard greeting of "Hello". I also do not expect to stand there waiting for several minutes whilst you stare intently at the empty desks, trying to remember which one of your dodgy ripped off PC's actually works, and then grunting to me whilst thrusting out a bony finger in the general direction of a grubby seat. I do expect this PC to work. At least to the point of being able to maintain an OPEN and WORKING browser. This is, after all, supposed to be a business that works on the premise of being an INTERNET CAFE. When the grubby PC doesn't work, and I tell you that it doesn't, I do NOT expect you to repeat the entire process all over again without even muttering an apology.

Also, whilst I'm waiting in a queue to pay for my new purchases, I do not expect the short, fat, bag laden wench behind me to stand SO close to me that my sphincter starts to get hot from her overbearing body heat. Who then has the cheek to whinge because my bag hit her when I turned slightly! Just because I'm not facing you, it doesn't give you the right to be in my personal space! Back off bitch! If I did turn around, we'd be arrested for copulating in public!

When I become Mayor of London, I'm going to ban short people from having umbrellas. Sorry, but anyone under the height of 5'9" will just have to get wet. Or stay at home. Until you lot learn some manners, and notice the fact that your pointy umbrella ends are exactly at my eye height, then bollocks to you. All you have to do is raise your arm a few inches! I do not enjoy having metal and nylon pushed into my face, or feel like I'm auditioning for an Indiana Jones part as I leap, duck and weave my way around shops. I just want to shop like a normal human being.

Another thing, buggy's the size of a small family saloon car. Not Necessary. Ever. Having disc breaks on the thing is quite frankly utterly ridiculous. It hasn't even got pedals, let alone an engine, and with your hugely fat arse you're never likely to get it up to speeds where disc breaks are going to make a difference. No part of our public transport network is designed to cope with such enormous buggery! No matter where you go, you are in the way. You block all the doorways, congest the buses and tubes, make the rest of us walk in the road. Either get a smaller buggy or keep your legs shut next time.

Also...if you're sharing a house with me, do not have the heating on full blast then sit in your bedroom with the fucking windows open!! Is your brain that small?! Have you not read about fuel prices?!? Have you always been this stupid or have you had to work really hard at it in evening classes? And if the toilet is blocked, or the drain is over flowing, or the gas isn't working properly, stop coming to tell me about it! You are just as capable as I am of putting an arm down the drain to unblock it! I don't get paid to be Mr Maintenance, believe it or not I do just live here.

Rant And Swear Modes Deactivated.

Off to see Paul Weller in Germany tomorrow! Not staying as long as originally planned, so I'll be back on home turf by 6pm Saturday, but had a serious result for when I land. There were issues with my travel arrangements, one of which meant that I was going to be sitting at Frankfurt airport (not the proper Frankfurt, this one is in a field in butt fuck nowhere) for almost 3 hours waiting for a coach. However, my former housemate, and altogether utter star, is driving down with her old dear to meet me there and drive me to Heidelberg! Complete result! Friends eh, they're bloody blinding sometimes!

Might take my tiny little speakers so that I can plug them into my iPod and play Weller songs the entire time I'm there. Just to let everyone know who I'll be seeing in the evening. I almost feel like it's a calling, the people of Heidelberg are desperately in need of knowing that I'll be at the gig. They just don't know it yet.


Crashdummie said...

that would mean almost 70% of the brittish population will be drenched... fine, better them than me.

Auf Wiederzehn, have fun! I sure will in la Paris ;)

Au revior

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I can totally empathize with your plight! On the street that I live on there are no less than 10-15 huge baby carriages out at any given time. I don't know about you, but when I was a baby I sure as hell didn't have a $1500 chariot to be carted around in. On top of it, the mothers all stop to chat outside the cafes IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK, so you can't get by. And and and, what is with 7 year old being pushed around, make the kid walk! We wonder why there is an obesity issue in North America!

Favorite Stone Roses Song - I am the Resurrection then Elizabeth My Dear.

Have fun in Germany!

Anonymous said...

Glad you got ALL of that out of your system. Now you can enjoy the concert.
(The strong language? I've heard worse...)

Princess of the Universe said...

That was pretty tame all things considered.
And crap, I'm just going to have to resign myself to being wet from now on. Or somehow grow 4 inches...

David said...

Everyone in Britain has a brollie.

I think it's compulsory. Or they hand them out at birth or something.