Sunday, June 7, 2009

The World Has Gone Bonkers

This article appeared on the Yahoo! homepage the other day. It basically says that kids have been banned from wearing swimming goggles on safety grounds stating "They believe serious injury could occur if a pair of goggles snapped onto a child's face too hard or if a lens popped out unexpectedly.". It then goes on to say that "...the school followed advice from the British Association of Advisers and Lecturers in Physical Education (BAALPE), handed out to all Flintshire schools.

BAALPE advice states: "Head teachers should inform parents/carers that goggles can be a hazard and cause permanent eye injury.

"Wet plastic is very slippery and frequent, incorrect or unnecessary adjustment or removal of them, by pulling them away from the eyes instead of sliding them over the forehead, can lead to them slipping from the pupil's grasp with the hard plastic causing severe injury."".

Now does anything about this strike you as odd? Or, if I may be so bold as to say, utterly fucking ridiculous? The mere fact that there are people out there that get paid to investigate this stuff is beyond my comprehension. Also, in all my years of living on this giant ball we call Earth, I've never ever ever heard of any child anywhere succumb to the unholiest of death traps we call goggles. I've not heard of a "lens accidentally popping out" but can you imagine the utter devastation it would cause? Those of a weak heart disposition may not want to dwell on it. Seriously. And why hasn't someone told the goggle manufacturers that they are producing products capable of maiming children? They should be made to place warnings on the packaging. Use in water may cause eye gouging, blindness and even decapitation. Then have a picture of a headless child next to it, just like smokers now have pictures of lungs and hearts on tobacco. We have to get the message through!

Now I think about it, shouldn't tins be banned? They are made of metal. And they've got fairly sharp edges. If accidentally dropped because of excessive handling they can cause extensive foot damage. Both to flesh and to bone. Untreated, injuries like that can lead to amputation. Not to mention the fact that if you have too many in your shopping bag, you may strain any number of muscles when lifting it.

Food should also be banned. Excessive consumption, accidental or not, can and will lead to obesity giving rise to heart problems, back strains, diabetes and in severe cases of over eating people will explode. Normally into millions of pieces, some of them quite sharp. Which is why you should never stand near a severely large person whist they're eating. Bloater shrapnel can be fatal.

Flowers also have to go. Whilst they may be pretty and inviting, especially to smell, an unexpected bee within the flower could cause rapid and painful swelling to the end of your nose. The stem could also house several other creatures, normally of the insect variety. Unchecked, these creatures could easily infest your home, resulting in the foundations crumbling due ferocious tunneling by the insects. Probably ants. Although it does depend on the type of flower you were handling earlier. Goats have been known to inhabit some rare species of orchid. Trust me when I say you do not want an infestation of goats. That can get m-aaaanic.


Beth said...

Apparently, the world is full of WMDs – just not where we expect to find them.

“bloater shrapnel” - love that!

PsychoGirl formerly known as Ze German said...

while you're at it. why don't we forbid air as well? it attracts pollution. or the wrong breathing and we can choke to death or get hiccups and die from that, too...

The Author Of This said...

Beth - North Korea? I bet they'll find a couple over there. Talk about people missing the obvious, especially when it comes to an actual threat to the rest of the world. Bloody nutters up there!

Ze German - Yeah, works for me. Bloody death trap air is!

megan said...

God, you make me laugh - thanks!

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Agreed. Ridiculous. I remember when I was a kid, there were many things that could disguise themselves as death traps i.e; those wheeley, spinning, kid power merri-go-rounds that frequently dislocated children's arms. But hey, most of us turned out fine, really, only minimal casualties.

Can you believe that kids aren't even allowed to have snowball fights in school yards over here. They can't very well go around calling themselves Canadian without having extensive snowball fight experiences under their belts now can they?!?

Raising a bunch of softies is what we are doing. Ugh.

The Author Of This said...

Megan - Thanks! And good to hear from you again, been a while!

Reeny - Oh man I remember those! They were brilliant! Yeah, only a few minor bumps and bruises...ish. We have the same over here with the snow thing, and we hardly get any! You're absolutely right, bunch of bleedin' softies.