Monday, February 8, 2010

It's About This Long...

I really think I'm just making it all up as I go along you know. At the weekend I went to buy some much needed replacement bed linen. My old gear, as with all old gear, was incredibly comfortable but becoming rather transparent. I feared it may go the same way as our dissolvable washing powder packet things (no, I don't know what they're called) and just not be there when I opened the machine door.

The one thing I do know about bed linen is that it can be quite expensive. Like towels. This happens to be all I actually know for sure. Also like towels, I had heard a rumour that it came in different sizes. As far as I'm concerned, towels have 3 sizes. Big, for your body. Medium, that go on the floor so you don't make it wet when getting out of the shower. And small, and they're actually called flannels.

I rocked up to TK Maxx (the cheap place for those of you that haven't heard of it) and went to their so called Home section. Basically it's full of tat. Lamps that look like Heather Mills spare leg, gold coloured plastic candle holders in the shape of exotic women, and those ball lampshades made of paper and circular wire. But I thought the chances of finding just a plain white duvet & pillow case covers had to fairly high, even there.

I had to get past the size issue first. There was Double, Euro Double, UK & Euro King, Queen, Super King, and some blank ones. No simple 3 size stuff here then. Not having the faintest idea how big my duvet actually is, I went about it in the most practical, common sense way I could. In my mind I visualised making my bed.... when I put the duvet in and hold it up to shake the cover down, my arms are about this far apart...and from finger tip to finger tip is almost my height, so that makes my duvet about 6 foot ish wide, and because my arms are just above my head, that makes it over 6 foot ish long...

It's at this point I realise I'm standing next to bed linen, holding my arms aloft with my eyes closed, shaking slightly. I look at the woman standing next to me, she's looking back. I manage a small smile and slowly put my arms back down before she thinks I'm worshipping pillow cases or calls security.

So I know I need something just under by just over 6 foot. I start to rummage through the stripey, spotty and pukey patterns on offer before I notice that the measurements on the packets are all in centimetres, or inches. Wonderful. Out comes my phone and I convert the dimensions. I'm beginning to think it may have just been easier to buy a new duvet and just match up the names on the packets. King duvet + King duvet cover. Finally, just shy of feeling like I'm on Acid having been staring at weird patterns, I find a simple white number that's just about the right size. Grabbing it with probably more urgency than I needed to show, given that I've already been branded a religious bedding loon, I make towards the sheets. No fuss here, they're all white. Biggest one available, that'll do. It'll fold under the mattress if it's too large. Next stop the checkout and I'm gone.

And it fits too. Sweet. Pillow cases didn't though. Way too big. I think I'll give it a while before venturing out to get bigger ones of those.


Beth said...

Your post title was intriguing – misleading but intriguing... ;)
The post itself was just plain damned funny. Hope you remember to say your bedtime prayers to your new (sacred) duvet.

arbyn said...

Yeah best wait on the new pillow linens. One thing at a time.

This experience was clearly traumatic ;)

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

'Lamps that look like Heather Mills spare leg' = gold.

What is the difference between a double and a Euro double? Weird.